Departures

So I've had a fun time so far sitting in the GR airport, waiting for hours on end to get rid of my cumbersome suitcases once my flight time gets a little closer. Timing is a tricky thing, but patience is forgiving. As I depart from my first year of college, which has somehow already come to a close, I think some reflection on this year is warranted, as well as some projection on future departures I wish to take this summer.

To start: this year at Calvin. There are many angles I could take in this review, but I think the most pertainent for me at this time is one of spiritual growth. To begin with, I don't mean to imply by the term "spiritual growth" that all that mattered this year was some sort of supernatural, emotional journey with God. Rather, I am invoking a richer sense of the word "spiritual," a sense which sees the spirit as essence of the body, which itself is an inseperable amalgamation of physical, mental, and emotional. This is the kind of journey I have had; a journey marked by realistic experiences and concrete growth.

I can't comment much on first semester; there were a number of good days and good experiences but much of them are overshadowed by a lingering darkness in my memory. My sickness, my relational struggles, my difficulty in adjusting to a new context, new challenges, and stronger friends...all of these worked together to knock me a bit off my feet, and I returned home at Christmas gasping a bit for breath.

Christmas renewed me in more ways that I could have imagined. I went away, not only to my home but to my relative's home, and the vacation allowed me to reorient my perspective on my life and come to grips with the forces that had stricken me the months before. I felt refreshed, and I oddly picked up an old habit again, reading, which began to consume much of my interest. This reading was partly contingent on and partly inspired by my Religion 121 class that I had taken in the fall, a class I will likely forever remember fondly and mark as a turning point in my life. That class like nothing else made Scripture come alive to me, and the rush of theological fervor carried me for months after Christmas break came to a close.

Returning to Calvin, I was confident and secure. I had refreshed my approach my college life and Interim took up where REL 121 had left off to carry me deeper. My Interim class, Pop Culture in the Empire, opened up new ways of thinking for me, perhaps most importantly post-modern ways of thinking, which radically redefined my beliefs and rooted them much more strongly in Christ. I also developed a healthy cultural critique as well as an appreciation for apocolyptic art, the kind of art that changes ways of seeing things in the same way the class itself changed the way I saw a lot of things. Interim also propelled me forward socially, as added time in my day allowed for deep discussions and good times hanging out with friends that I wanted to get to know a little better.

Spring launched in unexpected ways. Quickly after the start of classes, some of which were good and others disappointing, I experienced my first break-up. The break-up sank me into a bit of a depression but at the same time rocketed me forward in growth as I began to see my patterns of living and beliefs breaking down. The need for reflection on my life began evident, and so I began an intense period of perhaps a month or more which consisted in daily reading and reflection. I found much of my time going to little else but thinking, reflecting on my readings and asking questions to dig deeper past the surface-level answers I had absorbed growing up. This was a period of intensive self-definition, a time for breaking away from many patterns I had assumed over my life, including many of the evangelical Christian beliefs that had failed to really root me in the faith. My eyes were opened to the dangers of American culture and evangelical Christendom, dangers including the romanticism that had wrecked my dating relationship and the a-historicalness that permeated my individualized society. I could and probably will fill pages with the opinions that these serious, open questions brought forth in me, but now is not the time.

I have learned much and I have much more to learn, but I am beginning to see the directions in which I desire to travel. My fall semester is already planned out and will include a number of classes across the full gamut of my interests: cultural analysis, film studies, philosophy, theology, psychology...Fall will present many challenges and opportunities I feel, and I hope that I am up for the challenge. I think I will be, but there is much ground I wish to cover before fall finds me.

Which brings me to the heart of this post: the summer. Having briefly reviewed my growth this year, I would like to put some thought into the directions I want to push myself to grow this summer. I think this growth is first characterized by the idea of spiritual growth, which can be called a more "philosophical life." I want to live a thoroughly examined and thoroughly vigilant life, a life which does not waste moments but is on the alert for challenges and opportunities. I want to develop a more astute reflective persective on life, a perspective which is less casual but which takes the full advantage of each moment and lives precisely with discipline. This last bit is a new venture for me; I have never considered myself much of a disciplined person but I have come to see the necessity of discipline and more specificially of disciplines. I speak of spiritual disciplines, a rich tradition of concrete actions which serve spiritual growth through fostering humility and transformation. I have begun light experimentation with spiritual disciplines, but I wish to continue, adding more reflective or prayerful walks and more intentional reading and other ventures I pick up along the way.

This is the kind of stance in life I wish to develop, and I think the task will take time, but then again it has already begun in me. I hope that my job context of Colorado will enable me plenty of time for reflection in a beautiful country; plenty of time to myself as well as time with others. I think this balance will do me good, especially as I look forward to greatly deepening the frienships I have grown this year come fall. I want to return to Calvin a different person, a deeper and more reflective person who seeks out challenges for myself and challenges those around me to do the same. This is a the philosophical life, a life which I desire to learn much more about.

So, we will see what summer brings me. I hope to be outside a lot, enjoying the beauty of creation and letting myself breathe in its open freedom. I hope to read a lot, in fact, I have a rather ambitious reading list which I will begin as soon as I get caught up on some books from this semester. The innate passion I once had for reading has dwindled, yet I still find it such a rewarding experience that I need to make it a daily discipline. Prayer, likewise, is an area I woul like to grow in, especially exploring more historical approaches to prayer that are much fuller and richer than ones I am accustomed to. I hope to have the opportunity to refine my physical, mental, and even emotional selves to promote my spiritual, holistic growth. This is an exciting time for me, but will also require much discipline and intentionality on my part, words I have grown to love academically but have not actually applied with much force...This summer is the time for all of that to change. We'll see how God transforms me through it, to his greater glory and delight and our greater love, freedom, and joy.

Amen.